As Miley Cyrus would say, “Going to the gym isn’t the hard part, y’all. It’s the motivation that’s a bitch andstufflikethat.” 

Clearly my girl knows what she’s talking about. I can’t count on my hands and toes how many times I snuck away from my after practice weights workout or how many times I screamed and pleaded for death instead of going to the gym. Luckily for me I have persistent friends who won’t quit til they have me by the hair kicking and screaming all the way to the ARC. 

Walking into a gym is like entering the gates of hell. Cerberus asks for your ID then swipes away your soul and existence in exchange for a small towel and a lock. There’s the rock climbing wall where people, who quite frankly are too chicken to lift a free weight, are trying to literally claw their way out of the fiery inferno and ascend into heaven (have you seen those rock walls that rotate with you and keep you perpetually 5 feet off the ground? Funniest sight ever). The locker room reeks (pun intended) of embarassment. It’s icky to have to change in front of people, especially on the days you wear your only pair of underwear with a hole in it. And never should you ever shower in a locker room. Have you seen the shower scene in American History X? Granted this could potentially turn you on but for the majority of us we can assume it’s a jarring and by all means undesirable event.

It’s pretty hard to continue with the Gym = Hell analogy once you’ve entered the kingdom that is the Free Weight Room. From here on out we’ll use the scene in the mall from Mean Girls for inspiration. As our lovely Lindsanity Lohan told us, “it reminded me of Africa, by the watering hole, and all the animals are in heat.” Well said, Linds. Get better boo. Anyrehab, once you venture into this magical land, all the pain and suffering of getting there is finally over. You can smell the sex in the air. This is the moment you thank God you brought spandex today cuz from here on out your dick’s (male and female) harder than a motherfucker. Without a doubt there are people here who definitely need to be. The girls who hate themselves cuz they ate their feelings after getting dumped. The skinny freshmen boys trying to buff up to impress the girls who hate themselves cuz they ate their feelings after getting dumped. But the true pieces of eye candy are the men and women who know damn well they don’t need to be in a gym at all and should be in their underwear on covers of fitness magazines or sans underwear in porn. I mean come on my face, it’s impossible to work out cuz all the Brad Pitts and Angelina Jolies are walking past you, smelling like sex and wearing little to no clothing. You smile as you tell yourself, “this is why I go to the gym.”

Biceps, Glutes, Abs, Triceps, Boobs. Dripping in sweat and bouncing all over the place (in the best ways possible). I swear someone could take out a restraining order on me for staring so badly. But everyone’s doing it! That’s why people take such long breaks in the middle of sets! And the treadmill-ers? Do you really think they’re watching reruns of Keeping Up With The Kardashians? Or actually studying O Chem while on the bike? Please. All a means to cover their own desire to mentally masturbate in public. We always end up following the same Hotness Monster in hopes that they’ll ask us to spot them or borrow a weight or fuck til 2012. What’s better is that we always go to the coolest machine in the middle of room so everyone can see us as they walk in. Cuz nothing says sexy like a guy who’s doing 20lbs on the Peck Deck (Pause. Dirty).

And is this all wrong? Should we feel bad that our boy/girlfriend should break up with us based solely on the NC-17 fantasies we’re creating? No way! There is a lot of good that comes out of this. It’s truckloads of motivation to stay active and keep woking out. How do you think these Top Models are ahead of the pack and super fit? Probably because this is so ritualistic for them that they’ve gone past the phase of staring at everyone else and only care about the way they look. And isn’t that what’s most important? Not really. Of course having a bomb ass personality and being a genuine person goes very far and people will love you, but being fit and healthy is a great added extra to all around self-love. Plus, how else are you gonna stay ahead of The Plastics?

Am I rambling? I think I’m rambling. But for the people who complain of the sheer obviousness of the gym being nothing more than a meat market, I can somewhat agree. If anything, men should be banned from wearing those shirts that are cut done the sides so you can see all in and around their abdomen. And ladies? Wearing bootie shorts while using the glute machine? Not cute. Be sexy, but don’t be an arrogant slut about it. The only solution would be to workout at your apartment’s mini gym where no one goes. This way you can’t be distracted by anything and will without a doubt be watching that Keeping Up With the Kardashians rerun. But then again, without the promise of hard, sweaty, beautiful bodies, where would we find the motivation to go to the gym in first place?